Most meltdowns aren’t tied to a birthday; they’re tied to tasks toddlers simply can’t do yet, like switching gears on demand or swallowing big feelings on cue. We’ve all been that parent in a bright aisle, cheeks prickling, pretending to browse chewing gum while your toddler anchors to the floor.
The supermarket was humming, that fluorescent buzz you only notice when someone you love is screaming. A small boy was face down by the tinned tomatoes, one shoe off, wailing with his whole chest. His mum knelt so quietly I almost missed it, hand hovering, voice low enough to steady a sail. A security guard looked on, not unkind. Three minutes later, it was over; a cuddle, a tear-wet cheek pressed into a cardigan, both of them breathing again. The storm passed. Something else had happened too. This is not what you think.
The “terrible twos” misses the point
Blaming tantrums on turning two is like blaming rain on Tuesdays. Tantrums are less about a number and more about a stage: brain circuits under construction, language just behind big feelings, and an urgent drive for independence colliding with real limits. **It’s not the age, it’s the stage.** Ask any nursery worker and they’ll tell you the same story in different socks: some children explode at eighteen months, others at three and a half, a few hardly at all.
Dr Amira Patel, a child psychologist who spends her days at eye level with toddlers and their carers, laughs at the idea of a neat tantrum window. She points to research showing most toddlers have at least one tantrum a day, with peaks closer to three, not two, and that severe meltdowns last longer than fifteen minutes only rarely. One dad told me his son melts at every doorway—school gate, car seat, bath—because transitions are tiny free-falls. That checks out.
Here’s the physics. The prefrontal cortex (the part that plans, waits, holds a thought) is just booting up; the limbic system (the feeling engine) is running hot. Hungry, overstimulated, or told “no” after a long day and the balance tips, fast. Stress hormones flood, heart rate climbs, and the thinking brain goes offline. *This is not disobedience; it’s biology.* Toddlers don’t plot. They protest, then they rely on us to lend them regulation until theirs returns.
What actually helps in the heat of it
Think of a simple four-step move you can do anywhere: Lower, Label, Limit, and Later. Lower your body to their height and soften your voice so safety lands first. Label the feeling in plain words—“You’re angry I took the scissors”—because naming is taming for a tiny brain. Hold the limit—“Scissors aren’t safe; they go away now”—like a calm fence, not a threat. Later, when everyone’s settled, revisit the moment and rehearse the next time with a silly practice round.
What trips many of us is trying to explain or negotiate mid-tantrum. The thinking brain has exited the chat, so lectures become white noise and choices feel like traps. Bribes can buy quiet today but store up bigger blasts tomorrow. Let’s be honest: nobody really does that every day. What you can do most days is catch the easy wins—snacks, sleep, simple heads-ups before transitions—and hold your boundary with warmth when the storm hits anyway.
Parents often tell me they feel judged in public and swing between over-firm and over-soft out of sheer panic. Dr Patel has a gentler frame: you’re not “giving in” when you co-regulate; you’re lending your child your calm so they can find theirs. **Connection before correction.** Then teach in the cool after the heat.
“A tantrum is a stress response, not a strategy,” says Dr Amira Patel. “When we respond to the stress, the behaviour follows. Start with safety, then story, then skill.”
- Try this script: “Your body is saying ‘no’ to the car seat. I’m here. Car seats keep us safe. We’ll breathe, then buckle, then choose a song.”
- Use a “when-then” for transitions: “When your shoes are on, then we’ll press the lift button.”
- Pack a HALT check: hungry, angry, lonely, tired—solve one and half the tantrum melts.
- Pick one boundary you’ll always keep this week, and practise it at calm times with play.
Rethinking the toddler years
Maybe the myth lingers because it promises a countdown: survive two and you’re through. Real life is less tidy and much kinder. Tantrums taper as language expands and as you and your child build a shared playbook for hard moments. **Regulate first, then teach.** On a good day that looks like a shoulder squeeze, one clear sentence, and a silly do-over. On a messy day it might mean leaving the trolley and walking to the car to breathe in the quiet, because that’s what two nervous systems need to reset.
I keep thinking about that mum by the tomatoes. She knew she couldn’t stop the wave, so she chose to be the shoreline. What if the story we told each other changed from “terrible” to “teachable”? What if we stopped counting tantrums and started noticing recoveries—how they go from screaming to sniffles to a shy joke in five minutes flat. That’s the nervous system learning. Share that with someone who needs the reminder today.
| Point clé | Détail | Intérêt pour le lecteur |
|---|---|---|
| It’s not the age | Tantrums span roughly 18 months to 4 years, peaking near 3 | Reduces blame and the “two-year” panic |
| Regulation is borrowed | Co-regulation calms the stress response; teach after calm | Gives a practical order of operations |
| Plan for triggers | Food, sleep, transitions, sensory load are common sparks | Prevention that actually fits everyday life |
FAQ :
- Are tantrums normal at four?Yes. Frequency often drops by four, but spikes still happen with big changes, tiredness, or transitions. Watch the trend more than any single blast.
- Should I ignore a tantrum?Ignore the shouting, not the child. Stay nearby, calm and available, and hold the limit. Offer a simple phrase and your presence; teach later.
- What do I do in public?Go small and kind. Move to a quieter spot if you can, kneel, name the feeling, keep the boundary, and leave if that’s the calmest path. You owe nobody a performance.
- How can I reduce tantrums long-term?Front-load snacks and sleep, give heads-ups before transitions, build tiny choices, and practise “stop-breathe-try again” in play. Five minutes a day pays off fast.
- When should I worry?If tantrums last longer than 20 minutes regularly, happen many times daily, include self-injury or breath-holding with fainting, or come with developmental regressions, speak to your GP or health visitor for guidance.
